On: Parents

“My hair stands on end at the cost and charges of these boys. Why was I ever a father! Why was my father ever a father!“. So bemoans Charles Dickens, father of at least ten children, seven of whom were boys. Being in charge of 62 boys, I can sympathise with his despair at his expensive sons eating him out of house and home – if Eastern Spices had been in existence when Dickens’ boys were young, he’d have been amazed at the sheer volume of margherita pizza and chicken wings consumed by teenagers who have already eaten a full meal in House.

I will not claim to be an authority on parenting, being but the parent of a furry, four-legged child, but I have now experienced enough parents of boys who board to have an idea of what they are like (spoiler alert, dear reader – much like the boys of whom they are the producers, there is no one type of parent). Extensive market research has been conducted into parental perceptions of schools such as mine: their expectations of pastoral care; their views of the academic rigour on offer; and any regional variations in type of parent.

This latter category is one which I find particularly interesting. The idea that parents, based on their geography, might have differing expectations and perceptions of the school they are considering for their offspring is intriguing and, if true, challenging. How do schools ensure a breadth of experience and opportunity to satisfy all types of parents, regardless of physical locale?

Schools like mine attract boarders from across the country and around the globe and, in my view, this diversity brings enrichment to all our pupils. To be able to learn from one another’s experiences and outlooks, to look beyond the confines of our own encounters, is an education that academic study alone cannot bring (but perhaps that’s a blog post for another day). That means that our parent body is drawn from similarly far afield. There is a wealth of data about the changing nature of the British boarding school market and the salience of a private education (here, here, here and here are some interesting reads), and there is some uncertainty in the market, of course, over the impact of a prospective Labour government proposal to end private schools’ VAT-exempt status. However, from the standpoint of a boys’ Housemaster, here are my thoughts on what our parents are like and what they want.

First of all, they are diverse. Long gone are the days when a private education was the preserve of the aristocracy alone. These days, in amongst the peers are politicians, professors and plumbers. There are farmers from Farnham, bankers from Beijing, and managers from Moscow. This diverse parent body is spoiled for choice when it comes to boarding options for their children, yet money is tighter than ever before, so the onus is on us to provide value for money in our pastoral care, educational offering, and co-curricular opportunities. When we talk of parental expectations, we are talking of numerous opinions, viewpoints and perceptions. I have heard it said that the bulk of the parental body that is attracted to my school is divided between families from traditional farming heartland in Norfolk, Suffolk and East Anglia, and the more cosmopolitan households from Greater London. With this statement of relative fact comes an implication that there is a tension between their expectations: that one group harks after a more established, traditional (whatever that really means) experience of British boarding, whereas the other is more progressive and modern. I think that assumption is misguided and rather unfair.

Our parents, despite being diverse and having myriad individual perceptions (beyond the traditional-modern dichotomy), share some fundamental expectations of their son’s experience of boarding. They want their boys to be happy, healthy and thriving. That’s it. Of course, “it” is a big ask and an even bigger responsibility for those of us in pastoral care, but I think we need to focus only on those expectations, rather than on second-guessing what diverse demands parents might put on us. Let’s worry less about whether the Clintons from Canada are at odds with the Bush family from Bulgaria, and whether the Obamas from Oman will be happy with what we’re offering the Trumps from Turkmenistan (and enough said about the Bidens from the Bahamas!). Let’s put the child front and centre of all we do, focusing on their needs, and we will find that our disparate set of parents unite behind the care that their child is receiving.

Another observation I have made is that parents (whether traditional or modern) are really not bothered by the fact that they have a woman in charge of their son’s boarding house. Of course, there are some parents who have raised tentative concerns that I might not be able to relate to teenage boys (you can read more about my thoughts on that here), but they have been rare and have been very quickly reassured when they see that their boys are happy, healthy and thriving (which, as we have already agreed, is all they really want from a boarding school). There are some parents for whom my gender is an issue, and that’s okay. If they are worried that their sons are going to be spending their evenings painting their nails and watching Love Island, then there are seven other boys’ Houses to choose from, where they will be watching Love Island with bare nails.

The final thought that I have about parents is that they are so very important. I have been delighted to get to know 62 sets of parents and guardians over the past year, and I see them as being part of the extended house family. Their support and kindness to me has been invaluable, and I hugely enjoy my interactions with them (even when I have had to phone to inform them that Tiny Tim has a rather banging headache after the consumption of too many sherbets the night before, or that Ebenezer Scrooge has broken a third window this term in his enthusiastic pursuit of ball sports*). Parents must be treasured. After all, they have produced this wonderful, maddening, laughter-inducing bunch of young humans that I have the very real privilege of doing life with.


*These scenarios are inspired by true events.